


If love kills...

by NoizyKorat



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Character Death, Darkfic, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Baggage, Emotionally Repressed, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Drama, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 20:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6439684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoizyKorat/pseuds/NoizyKorat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two people carring hard on a heavy baggage of bad experiences, and their own mental battles to fight don't mix very well. Especially not, if they love one another more than they can bear, but have their very own good reasons to be hesitant on showing it to the other.<br/>Thus both dead-locked in a very unfulfilling, utterly painful situation, calling for disaster, before anyone can muster up the courage to go all-out and trust the other with themself, the emotions boil over to the point of no return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If love kills...

**Author's Note:**

> I own neither Dir en Grey, nor the songs quoted from. This is a work of pure fiction, nothing at all to do with reality. No offense or infringment intended, no money gained.
> 
> This is a very old fic and self-beta, so rather low standard. I had a lot of issues to deal with, and had wanted to try emphasize with a certain range of mental disorders and see how far it goes. So this fic is kind of an experimentel work, that came out rather unstatifactory to me, but maybe it'll serve as some entertainment at least.  
> Feel free to drop me a few lines if you have any oppinion or anything to share on this. Thank you!

[Die]

The stinging pain brakes through the walls of numbness clouding my senses.  
I let my head sink.  
Fine drops of red blood drip onto plain white tiles.  
Even though the blade of the dagger I'm holding is blood covered, it's still flashing fascinatingly in the bright bathroom's lights.  
Once again I slide the blade along my skin and gaze at the furrows it's leaving.  
Tiny streams of blood cover my white flesh with the beautiful red color of fresh blood.  
Mesmerized I watch how more and more blood escapes my weakening body.  
The sight of blood rivers slowly flowing over the chalk white floor is numbing my already intoxicated senses even more.  
My skin's drowning in blood. Red.... what a beautiful color... but what would it look like... these long red bangs of mine... sprawled upon his slender frame... my blood... on his milky white skin... I want you... I need you.... why can't you just love me as well... stay with me.. even if it's just for one night... I want to hear you say you love me... only once...is this my destiny, beloved one?  
I could kill for your love....  
My mind keeps on drifting off further and further into helpless dreaming.

 

~ "I wonder why I fell in love with you.  
Impossible love" ~

 

His marvelously small hands press against my shoulders, his hot lips covering my own kiss me rough enough to leave bruises. My own hands are wandering down his beautiful curves, shoving every disturbing peace of cloth away. I caress his smooth, lavender scent skin with the tips of my fingers. He separates our kiss, looking deep into my widened eyes, giving me this rare, warm smile, before he rips my clothing away and covers my now bare skin with hot, lustful kisses. Slowly he runs his warm tongue across my chest, my stomach until he reaches my navel. His lips and tongue tease me there, his hands are slowly unbuttoning my pants. His slender fingers sneak inside my pants, reaching that certain part....

 

~ "Hikuhiku motomeru  
chi ga hoshii kai  
boku ga ataeyou" ~

 

"Stop it!"  
Another wave of sudden pain, the angry voice of myself echoed in my head.  
"What the hell are you doing to yourself, Andou Daisuke? Do you think day-dreaming and half killing yourself is gonna do you any good?! Are you fuckin' nuts??"  
"And what else do you think should I do, huh? Just tell him: 'Oi Kaoru! Well yeah, I know you despise me, but hey, by the way, I love you undyingly, so why don't get together?' Are _you_ fuckin' nuts?"  
"What's it about that wannabe-macho guy anyway?"  
"Oh, nothing! I'm just in love with him, and it's slowly kills me, but, hey, it's nothing, really!"  
"Oh, lil' Daidai's grumpy today? Listen. Stop doing this to yourself. Go for him, or forget him and snatch someone else! Maybe little Shin-chan? ^^!"  
"You think I never tried? Did you never notice he avoids me as far as it's possible? He's pushing me away! I _can't_ tell him. He'd just reject me and hate me even more... hey, remember what he's always doing with Toshiya? He even lets that guy kiss and fondle him in public, just like that for the kicks of it... there's no space for me... I've got _feelings_, damn it, it's not that easy, ok!"  
"Then forget about him and let him go fuck and do who and whatever he wants"  
"Oh right, that's it, I almost forgot Mr. What-the-fuck-are-feelings-anyway doesn't know what love bloody feels like"  
"Really? Well then, tell me, what _is_ love?"  
"Lucky bastard... Ok, how about... throwing you into a wall of fire and then tie chains all around you and tear you apart. That's what it feels like right now..."  
"Uh-huh. Well, I see, it's truly worth it... damn, stop being so freakin' foolish... he's not the right one for you, so let go goddammit!"  
"Not right yeah? And what is this feeling like floating, when your eyes meet, then... the electricity, when he touches me... even if he doesn't notice it at all... not to mention a real smile of his, like the sun coming out and spreading warmth... his deep, melodious voice sends shivers down my spine, smooths my torn soul... his body's so perfect, so slim, so elegant, but still somewhat powerful.... These skilled fingers... these strong arms... how often did I wish to just be his guitar... I wanna touch him, his perlwhite skin, taste him, smell him... I remember that time, I was standing behind him, playing his guitar, I almost could feel his whole body... his warmth... just one more step.... I was totally dizzy for the rest of the day and didn't sleep the whole nigh... and you call that not right?!"  
"Go pick up a nice g..."  
"Stop... just stop it... SHUT UP!!"

I tried to muffle the scream escaping my throat, when the cold metal blade slid deep into my arm. On the floor, a puddle of fresh blood slowly gathered.  
I completely slid down onto the floor, landing in this puddle of already half dried and fresh blood. Slowly I'm becoming tired and limp.

 

~ "Eien ni ima made ijou ni nai ai wo" ~

 

[Kaoru]

I've been hanging around here the whole evening.  
The TV is running, but I'm paying any attention to it at all. I'm drowning in thoughts.  
Today at practice I noticed him staring at me again.  
I felt his gaze stroking and undressing me, caressing my skin and trying to smooth my abused soul, but only gazes can't heal these wounds.  
I doubt anything will ever be able to heal them.  
I can't love anybody anymore. It hurts too much, and... my love kills.  
Where's my beloved one, where is he?!  
Why can't he just be with me, now and forever.  
Why did it have to be him?  
Wherever he is now, a rotting corpse without heartbeat, not breathing anymore...  
He still will always be mine, I've captured him inside my heart.  
But still... he's dead, goddamn, and why?  
Because I loved him....  
He died and no one even tried to save him!  
How could this happen to someone like him?!  
Why didn't he just run, like everyone else?  
Didn't he know that I need him?!  
Is this, why I'm so angsty about fire?  
Is this it, why I hate the heat, why I don't have any warmth?  
I'd hate the heat of another living body beside me, warm hands touching me, while his cold body's down there, meters under the earth...  
I see his shadows everywhere, and, also in him...  
I love it, and at the same time, I hate it.  
He smells like him, smiles like him... his movements when he's playing his guitar, his blood red hair, matching with his black vinyl outfits... it all somehow makes me nostalgic...  
I don't know what to do, think or feel anymore....

 

~ "Saisho de saigo no rikaisha yakitsukete" ~

 

Maybe I should really have told him?  
Shall I try to keep up with him?  
Was it wrong to try to avoid him?  
But... I just protected him from myself, and myself from him...  
And how come that I feel so strange?  
Why am I unable to tear my eyes form his picture in my hands?  
Something's not right, I feel it.  
I just have tell him everything.  
I've got to see him. Now!

 

~" Mijikashi inochi mau  
saigo ni mita kioku" ~

 

I jump up, grab my keys and jacket, slam the door shut. I didn't even bother to shut down the TV, ignored the fact that I nearly ran over the neighbours on my way, and jump into my car.  
Something tells me to hurry. I speed the car up to it's limit.  
Only down the street now, calm down, it'll be alright, I tell myself over and over again.  
As soon as I arrive I slam the door shut and speed into the building.  
I hurry up the stairs, 'cause I don't want to wait for the elevator.  
Finally I reach his door.  
He doesn't answer my knocks. I shout his name, but he still doesn't answer.  
I try the doorknob. It's open.  
He'd never leaves his door open, I wonder.  
Carefully I step in.  
It's all dark, he pulled the curtains shut. I turn on the light switch.  
I spot clothes carelessly sprawled on the floor.  
The vinyl stuff he wore today...  
"Die?"  
No reaction.  
It seems as if he wasn't here.  
I spin around, just to find his keys on the counter.  
Mou, he never forgets his keys either, so he's gotta be somewhere in here.  
I walk into his bedrooms direction.  
Maybe he drank too much again and sleeps off his flush.  
As I walk down the hall, I notice some strange noises.  
I see the bathroom door is opened a crack.  
Maybe he's taking a bath, but why would he leave the door open?  
Somehow it smells weird here...  
I walk up to the door take a careful peek in.  
"Die?"

 

~ "Itsu no hi ka wa deaeru to negatta itsumo" ~

 

[Die]

I'm hearing footsteps, someone's calling me.  
It sounds familiar.  
I try to sit up, defeat the tiredness, but I fail miserably and sink back to the floor.  
I've got no strength left.  
The person's at the door now, calling my name, again.  
A male voice, a beautiful male voice.  
My eyes shoot open. I now recognize the voice.  
I hear a muffled gasp, as he opens the door.  
"Kao..."  
I try to lift my head.

 

~ "koe wo dashite sakenda  
anata no namae  
kitto todokanai wa ne  
watashi no koe sae mo" ~

 

[Kaoru]

I have to bite back a loud scream.  
My god!  
No... No.. NO!  
This can't be real, this can't be happening...  
Not again...  
He's trying to call my name.  
He sounds so broken, so weak, so sad.  
I know he wanted to see me, but surely not like this.  
I'm sure though that he's somehow glad to not have to die alone...  
I feel the blood rushing out of my head, my stomach turns over, and I feel tears stinging in my eyes, clouding my sight.  
No, he can't die...  
I won't let him die... not him, too...  
As soon as my eyes cleared up again, I find myself kneeling beside him, biting my lip, fighting hard to not cry and scream.  
He's laying in a huge puddle of mixed dry and fresh blood, staining his beautiful skin, his long hair and the beautiful white clothing he's wearing.  
If all the blood, tears and wounds weren't there, he'd look like an angel.  
I cradle him in my arms, hugging him close to me.  
"No, no...", I keep on whispering with a shaky voice.  
I stroke his hair, shaking and poking him lightly.  
"Die! Die!! DIE!!! Wake up! Please! Open your eyes! Say something!! DIE!!"

 

~ "Aishisugite ita ne  
kizuku goro ni wa kizutsukete ita" ~

 

[Die]

I feel his hands stroke my stained hair, he hugs almost as close as his beloved guitar or a real lover, just like I've dreamed about so often.  
His movements are still so delicate and tender it lacerates my heart.  
Honestly, deep inside I'm happy that he at seems to care about me at least now.  
He's screaming my name, begging me to move, speak, open my eyes.  
I slowly open my eyes, doing my best to keep them open, and look at him.  
Somehow he seems so relieved at this.  
His look is so full of affection, hope and longing, but I also see him trying to hide sadness and self blaming, trying to tell me and even himself that everything'll be fine.

I feel the rest of my strength run out, my breath flattens more and more.  
The tiredness is starting to take over.  
One last time I look deep into his eyes.  
I have to say it. Now.  
"Ai shiteru... Kaoru"  
But before he could answer anything, I continue, voice barely a whisper.  
"Goodbye, beloved..."  
It hurts so much to leave him now and like this.  
I really hate myself for doing this to him, but I had no idea he might feel the same way, and now it's too late.  
My eyes fall shut.  
I'm trying to smile as the heavy darkness embraces me.  
I feel my breath catch and my heart cease to beat.

 

~ "Yoru ni wa owakare desu  
kimi to wa owakare desu" ~

 

[Kaoru]

He opens his eyes and my heart skips a beat of relieve.  
I sense, that he really is happy about me being there for him.  
I look into his beautiful, dark brown eyes.  
Everything's gonna be okay, we'll be together, I'll never hurt him again.  
He slowly opens his mouth and whispers something.  
I can barely comprehend what he was saying, but it made me so happy to hear.  
"Ai shiteru... Kaoru"  
Touched and joyful I was about to answer him, willing to confess everything, but before I could even open my mouth he takes another flat, low breath and manages to form two more words.  
"Goodbye, beloved..."  
These two words struck me like thunder, letting me fall from my rosy cloud back to earth again.  
No, no, that can't be! Everything's gonna be okay! I promised it!  
His eyes fall shut.  
I see the tiny happy, but sad smile playing across his full lips.

 

~ "Mukashi no torauma wo utsushi" ~

 

Now I can't hold my tears anymore.  
I hold the lifeless body close to me, stroking and rocking the limp form in my arms, resting my head against his chest, sobbing.  
"Ai shiteru mo... itsumo..."  
It's true after all... my love is deadly...  
Why did he have to fall for me of all people?  
There are so many others out there, but why did it have to be exactly him?  
Why, WHY?!  
The second and last person, I've let so deep into my heart.  
While I'm still holding onto his limp body, I open my eyes again and let them wander around until they fall on the dagger.  
It flashes so fascinatingly...  
I ask myself how something so beautiful can cause such agony...  
I can't keep my eyes from it...  
Suddenly one single thought dominates my mind.  
I wonder... would it hurt?

 

~ "Dare mo ai senai keredo" ~

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. [KR] Cube  
> 2\. Schwein no Isu  
> 3\. Yurameki  
> 4\. Cage  
> 5\. Zan  
> 6\. Garden  
> 7\. Zakuro  
> 8\. + 9. Raison d'etre  
> 10\. + 11. Filth  
> 12\. Cage  
> 13\. Akuro no Oka


End file.
